


empires by accident

by putsch



Series: Seijoh Sex Shop AU [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sex Shop, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4411283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putsch/pseuds/putsch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Iwaizumi is telling the story, this is the part where he will surely stop, sigh, and stare off into the distance for just a moment. This is the moment where he wishes there was a time machine, if only so he could go back in time to that very second before he opened his fat mouth and punch himself in the goddamn jaw.</p><p>Or, How Oikawa Tooru decides to open a sex shop</p>
            </blockquote>





	empires by accident

**Author's Note:**

> this was honest to god the easiest thing i've ever written who am i

Depending on who you asked, you'd get a very different tale of how the Seijoh Sex Shop came to be.

If you ask Oikawa (as many do, he is the owner after all) he weaves an impressive tale of his own genius, the fact he came up with it and was wildly encouraged to take on the business.

If you ask Hanamaki or Matsukawa, or if you've asked Oikawa and they are anywhere nearby for that matter, they will laugh and tell you how Oikawa literally stumbled into the idea, with the help of _their_ genius (no, Hanamaki, it was me, stop giving yourself so much credit-- oh can it Mattsun, jealousy isn't a good look).

Your best bet then, is to ask Iwaizumi. He'll sigh and roll his eyes, but he does give the most honest rendition without any extra flare.

 

It started off, in the way many weird ideas do, in the most extremely boring setting - Entrepreneurial Administration 237.

Oikawa had taken the course under the pressure of his parents, who wanted him to be ready to do something else with his life if volleyball or his astronomy degree didn't pan out just quite right. Plus, Oikawa needed more electives ( _the idiot kept putting it off_ ) and business classes were well known for being easy. Very little reading, and any there was could be bullshitted through fairly easily, and assignments never took him more than an hour.

The downside meant dealing with business majors, who act like they've never taken a course seriously in their lives. For Oikawa, it made things boring and downright annoying if groupwork ever came up.

So when the professor announced the final project would be individual work, Oikawa thanked every god he could think of.

"Alright class," Professor Takeda said, "Your final project will be to create a pop-up business of your own. You'll each be given a budget limit of 30,000 yen, along with two tables and a cash box. The theme can be anything you want, from food to handmade items, but you'll have to use your budget to buy the stock yourselves. Hey, no groaning." he glared out at the classroom, but continued, "On the the morning of the 3rd, all of you will set up your shops in the green in front of this building and will have to sell whatever it is you're using for stock. You'll all be open from 10am until 5pm, and once you run out of stock, that's it! Just remember that your grades will be based on how well your shop does."

Then Takeda grinned, looking out at the class. "Also remember that any money you make is yours to keep, and the shops that do the best will be rewarded extra credit."

Now _that_ got everyone's attention as Takeda passed out the paper rubric with the stated rules.

For the first time all semester, Oikawa actually felt excited.

 

"This is the worst project ever!!!" Oikawa whined, throwing himself back onto the couch.

Iwaizumi groaned, looking down at the enormous manchild he called his best friend. He's been like this for days, trying to work out what he was going to do for his massive final project. "I thought you were excited about this."

"I was, but I can't think of any good ideas!" Oikawa kicked his feet, "I can't cook very well, so food is out of the question, and astronomy gear is too expensive to get a good stock for a shop!"

"Whatever Shittykawa, just quit whining already and get your jacket, we're supposed to be at Matsukawa and Hanamaki's in ten minutes."

"But--"

" _Now._ "

 

Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa were grateful that even though Matsukawa and Hanamaki went to a different university, they went to one that was in the same part of town. Their apartment buildings ended up being pretty close to each other, close enough that to get to one another they didn't even have to take the subway. It made settling far away from home easier, plus it meant they could hang out together at one of their apartments on a Wednesday night and stay in to drink, have dinner, watch a shitty movie (in that order more or less).

"Mattsun! Makki!" Oikawa cheered as he waltzed through the door like he owned the place.

"Hey to you too," Matsukawa chuckled, "Ah, and hello to you especially Mr. Six Pack."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes hard enough to send them to China and handed the beers over to him, following him inside. "Did you guys pick a movie?"

"Sharknado 3 is on tonight!!" Hanamaki screamed from across the apartment, which really wasn't necessary. It wasn't that big of a place.

"No!"

"Hell no."

"Absolutely not."

 

They ended up watching nothing this time, instead each of them slowly drinking their beers around the kitchen counter, Oikawa obnoxiously wobbling on his stool.

He sighed for what must be the thousandth time. "I don't know why it's so hard to think of an idea for a stall! There's always so many at the festivals."

"Yeah, but that's not really a business thing you can have fly in your class." Matsukawa said, tapping the beer bottle to his chin. "I'm surprised you don't wanna do volleyball or sports stuff."

"No, I overheard that baldie in my class saying he was going to do it. I mean, I can beat him in selling, of course, but I'll end up suffering in the end." Oikawa scrunched his nose. "I need something different. Something so my stall is the best! I can't lose to all those lazy assholes!"

"Yeah, fuck business majors." Hanamaki huffs. "I mean, not literally of course, you'd probably get a disease."

Matsukawa laughs, "Dude, just wear a condom and don't be an idiot, you could totally do it. I'm sure they're just dying for a piece of Oikawa.", and that just makes Hanamaki start to laugh.

"What, is his stall going to be some kind of whore house?"

 

(If Iwaizumi is telling the story, this is the part where he will surely stop, sigh, and stare off into the distance for just a moment. This is the moment where he wishes there was a time machine, if only so he could go back in time to that very second before he opened his fat mouth and punch himself in the goddamn jaw.)

 

"Or open a sex shop." Iwaizumi had said, with a snort, without the beauty of 20/20 hindsight to realize the cogs and gears that were set in motion, the fact that the light bulb that would go off in this very second would change the course of their lives forever.

 

If Iwaizumi is telling this story, he will admit it, with all the hatred in himself, that it was his own fault for starting this. Because Hanamaki and Matsukawa started laughing like hyenas, and Oikawa's eyes go wide, the half smile in his face falling open as he starts to think.

 

(Always a dangerous thing, that is, when Oikawa's brain starts really turning.)

 

"A sex shop! Oikawa with a sex shop, oh my god, I can see it now it'd be perfect, holy shit!" Hanamaki slapped his hand on the table, unable to contain himself.

"Oikawa, you have to do it." Matsukawa laughed just as hard as Hanamaki, but he's better at talking through it and keeping his beer steady.

"The stock wouldn't be hard to get or transport..." Oikawa says, his voice trailing.

"I can just picture it now," Hanamaki started, his hands making a wide sweeping motion above their heads, "A table full of dildos, boxes of lube..."

"Condoms, candy underwear, oooh, sexy dice!" Matsukawa added on.

"Vibrators! Vibrators everywhere!"

Iwaizumi groaned, rolling his eyes. "That's stupid, no one is going to go."

"Now now Iwa-chan," Oikawa straightened his shoulders, something downright devious glinting in his eyes, "It was your idea! Besides, do you really have such little faith in your best friend in the whole wide world?"

The problem is, he doesn't, not even a little bit. Once Oikawa has his mind set on something, he goes through with it and always ends up impressing everyone around him. It's what he's best at, and pulling off something as ridiculous as this is right up the guy's wheelhouse. No matter what Hanamaki and Matsukawa think by laughing and joking, Iwaizumi already had a bad feeling about this.

"Yes."

"Rude Iwa-chan! I should've known better!"

 

They all laugh, move on (save for a few more vibrator jokes from Hanamaki), and enjoy their beers together.

 

Mondays are by far the best days of the week, as far as Matsukawa is concerned. He can bask in the glory of sleeping in, wearing pajamas all day, making fresh coffee with huge spoonfuls of honey without running around like a lunatic, he can actually casually scroll through his emails and twitter feed in peace.

He always wakes up first, but Hanamaki is never far behind once the coffee starts. He adds his generous amount of cream and sugar, sits down next to him with his laptop.

It's quiet, it's easy, it's the one thing Matsukawa wouldn't trade for anything.

 

Or it was until Hanamaki choked, spilling coffee on his grungy old t-shirt.

"Woah, hey," Matsukawa jumped, grabbing a towel nearby, "Are you okay?"

"Check your fucking email."

"What?"

"Check it and please for the love of god tell me I am hallucinating."

Matsukawa raises one of his perfect eyebrows in disbelief, but does it anyway. His emails are usually boring on Monday, just spam from some clubs, maybe a professor reminding them about a reading or some bonus article. Today though, he has a lot of emails from random students, he recognizes a few of the names, specifically:

_Sender: Oikawa Tooru_

He opens it.

And his eyes nearly pop out of his skull.

"What the--

 

\--FUCK IS THIS?!"

Iwaizumi yelled, throwing his phone down on his bed and storming into the second bedroom in record time.

"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa chirped pleasantly, already completely dressed and prepped for the day in a way that just made Iwaizumi even more furious. "Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"What the hell is this email?! Is this some kind of sick joke because it is not funny."

"Oh good, Take-sensei's mailing list worked! Today is the first day we can start advertising before the selling date on Saturday, so I had to get the word out there right away!" Oikawa just laughed, breezy as ever, like Iwaizumi's blood pressure wasn't about to break the ceiling drywall. "After all, word of mouth is the most powerful word of all~"

"Oikawa Tooru." Iwaizumi's voice was scathing enough to make Oikawa freeze in place. Good. "Are you seriously telling me, and the entire goddamn university, that you are _running a sex shop for your final project?!_ "

"Yep!"

Iwaizumi groaned, rubbing his fingers against his temples. This could not be happening. "Oikawa--"

Before he could finish the thought, the doorbell buzzed.

"Oooo! They're here already, oh wow, come on Iwa-chan I need your help!"

"What?" Iwaizumi's train of thought was totally derailed, and it didn't help that Oikawa was literally grabbing his arm and dragging him along to the front door. Oikawa opened it, only to reveal a simply delivery man with two large boxes and one smallish one. He ended up taking one of the big ones (and probably the heaviest, judging how well Oikawa was balancing the other two on his hip), and brought them inside after Oikawa thanked the man and sent him away with the proper signed papers.

"Uh, what is this?" Iwaizumi asked, looking down at the unsuspecting cardboard.

"Oh, those are probably the vibrators and dildos!"

Iwaizumi dropped the box so fast you'd think it was filled with harvested puppy organs.

 

"Wait, so why do you want to stay the night again?"

"Sex toys Matsukawa, there are sex toys everywhere."

 

Despite a few hiccups (read: Iwaizumi becoming traumatized, Hanamaki asking him ten million questions about every item he was going to sell, and Matsukawa's complete continued shock and awe), Oikawa had set up his allotted two tables so they actually looked, well, good, considering it was the most perverted display of items Iwaizumi had ever seen in his twenty years. With the promise of a free breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki all agreed to set up, as well as stop back at least once during the day to help Oikawa out through the sales and bring him lunch. It seemed fair enough, after all, most of the other students were bribing their friends to help them out during the day with their tables, and they'd probably be around anyway. The class had about twenty five students, and it looked like everyone was doing something different - although nothing was as over the top as Oikawa's.

"To be expected, of course!" said Oikawa with a laugh, but Iwaizumi could tell he was nervous. It was almost 10 o'clock, which meant it was almost time for him to start selling, and he was taking a risk. Everyone else went with things that were more normal, like clothes or snacks or books, not candy thongs and flavored lube.

"Hey, uh, Oikawa?"

"Yes Iwa-chan?"

"...Good luck."

Oikawa smiled, and Iwaizumi felt a little bit better seeing the tension roll out of his shoulders. "Thanks, though if I'm right, I won't need it!"

Iwaizumi punched him for that.

 

"You know, if you buy a bunch, you could start a little vibrator orchestra!" Hanamaki said, holding up one box in each hand, which ended up making two girls Oikawa was so desperately try to win over laugh until they cried.

They each bought one.

 

"Look, you can just browse, that's fine." Matsukawa was using his height to his advantage on a poor unsuspecting couple, "But at least buy some damn condoms for your girlfriend."

Oikawa hasn't seen a man turn so red or buy anything so fast in his life.

 

Iwaizumi squinted down at the warning on one of the bottles of lube, trying to figure out what exactly these warnings and terms meant so he could help one of these poor customers out.

"Yo Oikawa!" he shouted over his shoulder, "What's rimming?"

(Iwaizumi never tells anyone that part, but don't worry, Oikawa can recount how red Iwaizumi was at the drop of a hat.)

 

After Iwaizumi's shift ended at 12:30, none of them went back to check up on Oikawa until it was time to close up shop at five. The sun was still high in the spring sky, but the breeze was starting to get chilly, and all three boys knew if they dawdled Oikawa would never let them hear the end of it. They weaved quickly through the stalls, much easier to do now without milling students and teachers looking at wares. The only people left were other students in Oikawa's class and their friends moving the leftover stock and tables.

When they got to Oikawa's table, they found Oikawa sitting in his fold out chair, staring at the two empty tables with the cashbox in his lap.

"Yo, Trashykawa, where's your stock?"

"It's gone. Every single piece of it. I sold it."

Hanamaki blinked, "You did?"

Oikawa nodded, like he couldn't believe it himself.

"There's no way." Iwaizumi said, like he didn't know that this would happen, "You had like, so much freaking crap in our apartment. You sold all of it?"

"Well, I mean, I kept one of the candy thongs and a bottle of vanilla lube for myself, but otherwise, yeah."

"Holy shit." Matsukawa was stunned too, but a smile creeped up his face. "So how much money did you make?"

And Oikawa's glazed over look was gone in a snap, the question sparking his full devious grin. "Well, since you three were so kind to help me today, I think I'll tell you!" Oikawa then set the cashbox on the table with all the flourish only Oikawa can pull off, beckoning all three of them in close before he opened up the box.

It was practically overflowing with cash.

"No!"

"Holy fuck, oh my _god_ \--"

Iwaizumi ran his hand through his hair, staring down at the matted yet glorious collection of yen before him. "Shittykawa, you better not skimp out on dinner tonight. I want drinks too."

Oikawa grinned like the goddamn sun.

"You bet Iwa-chan!"

 

Naturally, Oikawa got the highest grade in the class, with bonus points for being the student favorite and making the most money by far.

 

The funny thing of it all is, they all graduate on time, each with their respective fields of study and bursting charisma. They all have their degrees and could do, basically, whatever they wanted.

 

But the fact of the matter is that Hanamaki's brother tells them about a place that just opened up downtown, only a block away from the most popular bars in the city. It's spacious, needs a little work done, but nothing four strapping guys can't handle, and Oikawa does have a small fund of money he inherited from his grandfather when he passed three years ago, and, well.

 

The rest is history.

**Author's Note:**

> follow my twitter @kataurama for more seijoh sex shop au because i literally talk about it all the fucking time and i will NOT be sorry for it
> 
> also shout out to atharaigas for starting this train of hell by filling my SASO prompt! she's an angel and if you haven't read her fic for this au GO DO SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR JUST
> 
> DO IT!!


End file.
